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Anxiety's Clarity

by Claytonsfaith

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1.
Kayhaitch 06:17
I watched you loving every minute of the day while my relationship decayed I told you that I loved you as a friend that's not the way that it stayed just writing to read you smiling evermore~ I lost you right in front of me And I want to compliment you on how accurately came your arrow for the winged one you sent to me, guide me through my fall while the compulsion to make you happy was eating me up inside I lost you right in front of me Not even that long but how far we'd come since the night you arrived enveloped in happiness I couldn't bear to feel you alone and there's something to be said for being content that you are out there a lifetime friend to be~ I felt a part of my life closing in your open arms next to my name on a glass like I could sleep where I lay forever Through the light you cast, sincerity shared, I tread so lightly I lost you right in front of me And I told you I wont lie we all have secrets safely hidden inside I have so much to loose just knowing you that I'd rather keep my mouth shut and hope it all drifts by~ The truth about you breaks when I am lying at night on the waves No sea or sun, what have I done? The night subsides and there you are again, ready to welcome my new day but it's not you next to me~ Now I've reached the point I cant feel what I trust anymore like I've been hit by a shell while my head and my heart are at war Yet more time in your presence is something real that I can still hope for to have you right in front of me~ just to have you there in front of me And I'd hate to exchange this honesty for you to treat me any any differently I cant control this way I feel but I can beg your mercy
2.
Cherry Red 05:36
Our hearts entwined die by my side days aimed high may be not mine Every hard fought path a step toward the peace for which you prayed but when you finally felt your spirits lifted clear you'd just been falling the wrong way You're pale, but not in a good Goth pallor way, more like you're going into shock, and you've been walking around here like that for days Another misplaced opportunity and you go stabbing at the world you've got, seeking meaningful change Because every time you make a mistake they seem so grand accurately misplaced now given less reason to be here at all like a soul just hanging round looking for ladders to climb Things seem up around the edges but I don't buy it but now I don't know where I was everything shouting promise where it counts always becomes quiet now I'm not sure where I'd gone wrong Every hard fought path out of here's like you'd been given that which you prayed prayed for me to return when you finally felt your spirits lifted clear you'd just been falling the wrong way Days gone by we're divine Don't kill mine drowned in wine Don't worry why we won't die
3.
Free From Me 05:58
It's the same note the same note I always find same note I've got to date same note that's all I've got to show for the end of loving different souls in my same way The same note full of all we've known same note that said we are done I'm sorry I had to be the one you didn't know how to let go I tried so hard to make sure you knew that leaving had nothing to do with the way i felt for you I only sent that last message once I was sure that you did too It's the end of us And i always pray I always pray despite the loss that you are okay I always just want to be able to ask from an untenable position if you are okay and i truly hope you are It's all the same note It's all the same note I always know what it means it's been channeling me in all my love like an emotional bomb dropped form above to turn all caring obscene It's the end of us I free you from me I free you from me you said and now I'm gone It's always the same note The same note I've always got right before I lost the lot I still wonder if you're okay, and I truly hope you are It's the same note the one I've always got your sympathy don't mean a whole lot A union less lifetime to be learned yet before the point you didn't have to return both of us upset 'bout being burned deserter you can wait your turn It's the same note Dear John, for years I believed you'd passed rather than mourning my heart first separated like an off hand clock never quite telling my heart when to stop It's the same note the one I've always got
4.
Into The Sun 06:08
I appreciate the prayers and the thoughts helping me retain our understanding of states we all built over time hoping me effortlessly back on course It's not always easy to steer around charity and tactful hands keeping me here nothing to do with hate for you it's momentum that's what I've been learning Can you see the fire I'm in everything you know of me second guessed do you not see me struggling back in ready to rest My decisions into perspective and life apparently on the rise but did you notice it being uprooted whilst i spoke through Icarus eyes I cried as i couldn't fly high enough to avoid it flight not fight found a pointless ascent and further goodbyes I tried and i tried but I couldn't find by without the hurting now debt and loss lie grounded with feathers and wax beside them 'Cause I've been diving into the sun living ideas that most of you only see before tears no suitable life to run not in years Well I've been diving into the sun that's what I've been hearing from everyone I'm glad i don't see any of them down there already burning Already burning I can't tell you if or when behavior lacks or my complete sense isn't present now when this blanket of normality detracts whatever not on earth that is I've been hearing I like diving in the sun amid confusion and denial from friends I was hoping you wouldn't let me continue to run there will be no one who can see me from down there I've been diving into the sun living ideas that most of you only see before tears no suitable life to run not in years Well I've been diving into the sun that's what I've been hearing from everyone I'm glad I don't see any of them down there already burning Already burning I tried and i tried but I couldn't find by without the hurting that led to now and further good byes Well I've been diving into the sun that's what I've been hearing from everyone I'm glad I don't see any of them down there already burning Already burning
5.
I felt those red flags I'd seen before that I messaged to you like semaphore but you never felt your wind beside my way Cherish you, follow you wish the day our hopes flew to will come about and escort us through Typecast history still built history And I thought about not being here despite you without my dear it was the runaround intentions clear that had you entertaining fears that I couldn't doubt you considering being here You saw it on a screen buffed in bright sheen no context yet believed no time to think about me where I typed it out no emotions forsaken this time round here we live in a not so silver as silicone lined cloud The checking, reloading that's not so refreshing the seen labels harrowing meaning because I typed before I thought now I'm stuck with the waiting Typing history Typing history I want your decision and thought unabridged filled with your human touch the impromptu surprise you find delivered I want your actual hands that swipe and type and such My head wont fit in an output field you may wish all you want in your ASCII and binary it's up to you to help generate our key pair I can't keep up to this pressure replied text doesn't cool me like your fucking processor I'll continue to spike I miss you staring down with real tears trying to catch your breath the pained expressions and frosted thoughts as a sea of hope washed over unexpected ends I need your presence without the vacancy or I want to watch you realize them coming I've got one not 128 keys as allocated to me for who I was not the tally of friends your life now based on The only RAM you'll ever find is me pushed out and dropped from your life living your time like ruby on rails does that mean we are really done the day your login fails Trying to type history We're typing history
6.
Aggenee 04:45
And I'm always waiting to hear or I'm always hoping to read of your changing words that never come as the last parts of you crush down around me Longing through the fall and accepting through its wake yet you always come back but never want to stay I know you understand sacrifices as nothing comes without cost yet I'd never considered the pain of damage or irony of loosing you to save you being lost (save you being lost) Longing throughout the fall holding myself saddened til the next time you come back fearing I wish you hadn't (Wish you hadn't) Fearing I wish you hadn't I'll never risk you not returning despite from me what it takes If I'm just meant to be your friend I can always be here to help you from here, that's a good result Longing through the fall for a future gone without where I saw years of showing you realized dreams that weren't sown for anyone else Longing through the fall holding myself saddened Longing throughout the fall for the time we left abandoned
7.
Shedding the honesty right from the start If I only knew any other way to protect my heart despite the risks incurred we endeavored I found myself needing you and your company but it's leaving me numb heard that shouldered devil so malevolently say treading water in your spaces is better than being alone in mine that this weren't turned on the lathe of heaven between heaven and hell this is the place where I compromise Just coming to terms with what now has risen that this weren't turned on the lathe of heaven Can't you see I am smothered please direct a breeze to me Not to detract from the lack of mistrust I once saw you as a castaway'd see the shore nor clinging to majesty in lands this allowed We explored and we ran amid new lands we found just being so blase accepting its progress Relentless waves rolled in, eroding all of my hopes for us only to build these troublesome times now Now I'm washed, bleached and hollowed Tiny ripples are all I dare to cause still coming to terms within worlds misgiven Somehow you feel we are at home this weren't turned on the lathe of heaven Wishing you'd throw me a lifeline Despite the past sans displays compelled where we really felt union excelled contentment in hindsight seem more like struts its supporting foundations antithesis i mean not to betray all the attention we paid just feeling not so lost in direction and be able to say things we ignored in a way less restricted by uncertain silent suppression Coming to grips with the terms and conditions This weren't turned on the lathe of heaven
8.
Alone, is how I felt after what you wrote I'm not sure if you meant or you know how you steered me down this road or couldn't articulate what you showed to me what you passed unintentionally pried us apart now I can no longer sleep in the dark dreams dropped like bombs not bestowed and if I wake it's to a shocking start of another day living in the embers dying glow The boat don't rock it and you'll never know how I really feel about what I left and how you always felt that you deal every day with me in remnants of the beautiful place that I was in but you knew where I was before I'd recently returned from the war shot down by a supposed adversary who'd said that they loved me more Now I'm gripping the past tight like the blade of a sharpened knife but expecting the opposite of everything I've ever been taught Because lower lower is not what I do and I've never been one to contemplate suicide and I don't wanna hurt you further living with my past decisions too and getting to the unison early it seems a waste certainly not for this kind of pain its taken me months of near miss and substance abuse to set me on this one straight From where I've decided to climb And not in the nick of time....

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This album catalogs poetic works written across the past 5 years following the honest recollections of drift into PTSD/Anxiety, relationship rise, fall and all such life's misgivings scattered throughout.

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released May 1, 2021

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Claytonsfaith Melbourne, Australia

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